he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
