Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
