apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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