I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
