oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We had to coat check the pizza.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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