my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
