Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
