Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i would punch a child for taco bell
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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