I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
