I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
