just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Is it penis luge time yet?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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