I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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