I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
