Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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