Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
