You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
