Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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