Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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