How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just invented taco cereal.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Randomize
