my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
