He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
