i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
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you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
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Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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