That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
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