he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
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I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
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all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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