Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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