In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
its liver damage thursday
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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