Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
