I must be too annoying 4 u.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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