I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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