i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
