hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
