Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
