I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
