I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
