If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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