My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
