well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Randomize
