so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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