Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
