i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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