So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
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My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
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Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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