my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
