next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
