Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She's just so happy...and so naked.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
