i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
