This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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