You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
