i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
