1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
