Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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