theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
