so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
