So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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