But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
