Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
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