Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
