I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
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Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
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Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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